93: Tangible Self-Love
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[00:00:00] Hello, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Radiant You. I recently told a client of mine that I did not want her to have any friends. Now, before you think I'm a little heartless, I want to tell you a little bit about why.
[00:00:18] She had come to me believing some of these stories. She said things like, "People don't really like me. I'm kind of intense. And I think I'm just too much for people." She also shared that she often felt like she's done something wrong and she's ruining the relationships in her life. She struggled any time that she would build a new relationship and feel like it stemmed from something inside her that she was the problem.
[00:00:43] If she didn't hear from friends, she'd be worried that she had said something wrong or did something wrong and she'd feel bad for being herself and just retreat back into her world and pull away.
[00:00:55] Through tears, she told me story after story about a friend that would come in her life [00:01:00] and she'd latch onto them and be so excited to finally feel like she had a good friend. And then they would leave or they would say something that was hurtful or they would just ignore her and not make her a priority.
[00:01:14] So many of these friendships were one sided
[00:01:17] So many of these friendships were one sided and she saw it in more than just her casual friendships She saw it in her family relationships. She had a new sister in law that she was so excited, had so much in common with, and then they had a falling out. And every family gathering her heart would break because the sister-in-law would pretend like nothing was wrong and they would just kind of avoid each other.
[00:01:43] But secretly she was licking her wounds, brooding for years, retreating internally and feeling frustrated with all the negative self talk that came with her not being good enough, lovable enough, important enough.
[00:01:58] She told me she would always be [00:02:00] mindful of what she said around her and felt like she was just hiding her light. Because she didn't want to get hurt. It also affected her relationships at work, where she had her superiors that would give her feedback, or that wouldn't include her in different meetings. She would take it personally, feeling like she didn't have enough value to give or that other people didn't care about her.
[00:02:23] these unmet expectations for herself and for the other relationships in her life left her feeling so lonely and unlovable.
[00:02:33] She also felt exhausted from trying to people please and solve the problem and fix whatever it was that was wrong with her. She just wanted authentic connection.
[00:02:45] Have you ever felt this way where you feel like your friendships are shallow and you don't have those fulfilling relationships that truly connect to your soul?
[00:02:55] Are you self conscious when you hang out with other people, even if you may [00:03:00] be acting like you're confident and totally fine, but internally just worrying that you're not really the person that people want to be around.
[00:03:09] maybe, what you want more than anything is to feel accepted, included, connected, and loved
[00:03:20] My friend, I say the same to you that I said to this wonderful client and friend of mine. It's time for you to let go of trying to find other people who can fulfill that for you. Stop looking for that perfect friendship that can finally make you feel loved and connected. Start instead building a relationship with yourself that creates and fulfills that space of love.
[00:03:51] When you don't have that safe, loving space within yourself, you turn to others and you need it [00:04:00] from them, letting their actions be the thing that changes how lovable you feel.
[00:04:06] That rollercoaster of emotion is exhausting and you don't have to be on it anymore. You can choose to build the internal, tangible self love that doesn't require other people to prove that you are lovable.
[00:04:25] If you've been listening to the past few episodes, I've shared some key core concepts that help build this type of relationship with yourself. The first one was expansive self awareness. This is the self awareness that helps you know and honor what you value so that you attract the other type of people who know and honor their values too. When you don't need them and they don't need you. You can give and receive love in authentic, fulfilling ways. This type of self awareness also helps you recognize when you're [00:05:00] taking things personally and stop that negative self talk.
[00:05:04] You drop the lies that you're not loved or not lovable and instead you see other people's actions as their own choices. You don't take it so personally when they don't text you or don't show up to an outing that you expected them to come to.
[00:05:20] Because you have that internal reserve of self love that has your own back, even when other people have their human moments.
[00:05:28] That brings us to the second core concept that I've been sharing. Transformational self confidence. That's when you have failures in your friendships and relationships, but you take them in stride. you have your own back knowing that you're going to have feelings about the situation and you give space to allow those feelings. You add some self care and you remember what's true: that you are lovable and this applies to every relationship in your life. [00:06:00] Not just friends or colleagues, but your spouse. If you're married or your children, if you have them, their actions don't change how you view yourself.
[00:06:12] Because you have that inner self confidence that helps you drop the perfectionism because you don't need to be perfect to earn the love of other people. When you don't need love, you're able to receive it from yourself and from others.
[00:06:28] That's emotional maturity, knowing that these are my feelings and I'm taking care of my own space and that you don't honestly have to understand other people's feelings or why they're doing what they do. You trust that they have good intentions and reasons and that you can turn to God for constant, unwavering love. A God who understands both you and the other person and is able to reconcile any struggle that you might be having. [00:07:00]
[00:07:00] And that is one of the biggest core pieces of tangible self love that you truly believe that you are divine, lovable, beautiful, capable. That when you look in the mirror, you know that truth, That if someone isn't acting in a way that is loving to you, it just means that they don't have the ability to love you in that moment.
[00:07:25] It's not based on your lovability. It's like a favorite flower. Do you like daisies, or roses, or tulips, or lilies? Just because you like one more than the other doesn't change its lovability. It's just your ability to love that flower. And sometimes your preferences might even change. You might love this one at one phase of your life and that one at another phase. And that is okay. It's still a beautiful creation of God. And God equally loves all of those flowers and [00:08:00] knows their worth.
[00:08:01] That's true, tangible self love. Knowing your divinity is unchangeable and infinite.
[00:08:09] But it requires that you are aware of your own thoughts and feelings about yourself, that you have that emotional maturity where you're responsible for your own internal dialogue, that you have been building your self confidence and you have your own back when you fail or when other people don't show up for you.
[00:08:28] And that in your soul, deep in your soul, you truly believe that you are divine; genuinely trusting that God's love is enough.
[00:08:40] This journey towards that tangible self love is such a beautiful walk. And I'm not going to lie, it comes in different stages. You can go in and out of it. It's not constant. You have to work on it every single day, but it can be a simple practice of self care, of remembering truth,[00:09:00] of allowing yourself to have the ups and downs, and being kind to yourself along the way.
[00:09:05] With my client and dear friend, I didn't want her to have friends because I wanted her to become her own friend first. She didn't have that in a relationship with herself, but guess what? She does now. And it's so beautiful to watch as she is just transforming her life in new and exciting ways that feel empowering and stable because she's not depending on the things around her for her to feel that love.
[00:09:37] After practicing for a while with her, she sent me a message saying that she had planned to meet with a friend and they had set up a time to connect with each other at a social gathering, but that friend didn't show up. And she started taking it personally, thinking in her old patterns. But her self awareness caught those patterns and she tapped into that inner [00:10:00] self confidence and inner self love.
[00:10:02] She said to me excitedly in a message, "I realized that this wasn't bringing me peace and instead of being sad that we didn't get a chat, I turned it into time for me, which was much needed. Plus, I got to connect with the other friends that were there in a more natural way." Love that she said in all caps at the end "WINS!" With an exclamation point. She was celebrating that she was winning! Winning the battle against negative self talk, winning the struggle against needing other people to share their love for her to feel lovable.
[00:10:42] In that moment, she was her own best friend. Her self love had become tangible. She still had the desire to connect with other people and feel that love, which is totally fine, but what changed was that [00:11:00] she didn't need it anymore.
[00:11:03] It's okay to want to feel loved. But do you need it to be okay?
[00:11:09] Check in with yourself and think about your relationships with others. When friends don't show up, do you worry that you're not enough and you're just too much for people or that they're judging you and that you aren't lovable?
[00:11:24] Or maybe on a more personal level, there are moments where you reach out to want to connect intimately with your spouse and they don't have space for you.
[00:11:35] How do you respond in those moments? Do you feel like you're not lovable or not enough and pull in and talk negatively about yourself. Or in a relationship with a friend or a family member or even a child where they say something and you get frustrated and defensive and angry because deep down you worry they might be right.
[00:11:58] These are all [00:12:00] signs that you could work on your inner self love.
[00:12:04] One of the easiest ways to test this is to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Do I really truly believe that I am lovable?
[00:12:15] Where is it that I feel that if people really knew me, they wouldn't love me. Take a moment to do this test and let some self awareness come up for you.
[00:12:27] It's okay if you have some of those feelings. We all struggle with them at times, but knowing them, looking at them, seeing them, and then replacing them with more lovable truths will give you a tangible self love that will weather the ups and downs of the unpredictable relationships in your life.
[00:12:50] If you desire this type of tangible self love, keep listening! Because you deserve to have those authentic connections in your [00:13:00] relationships with your friends, family members, and anyone else in your life. We've reviewed the three key concepts of a radiant life expansive self awareness, transformational self confidence, and tangible self love and from here out we get to just explore all of the simple ways that stack on each other to create that radiant life.
[00:13:24] So keep listening and get excited for what is possible for you because there is a lighter lifestyle right around the corner. And if you're one that just wants to jump in and create this right now in your life,
[00:13:38] then hop on a free call where you can learn how to get started with my 90 day program to a more radiant you.
[00:13:45] Because you deserve to truly love yourself, no matter the ability of other people around you to love you. I know that it's possible. I have watched countless women find this tangible [00:14:00] self love in their lives, and you can find it too.
[00:14:03] Take time to love yourself today, my friend, because you are 100 percent lovable. Have a blessed day. You are radiant! But some days it's hard to remember that truth. If you're ready to live lighter and shine brighter, then head over to www.thelightcoach.com and book a free session to discover what's possible. The radiant you is within your reach. Let's find her together.
