103: Stop Battling Negative Thoughts
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[00:00:00] Hello, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Radiant You. You want to know why I think you are radiant? Because you are GOATed. You are just the OP. You have all the riz. If you have any idea what I'm talking about, you know that this is the type of language that they are speaking in the schools right now. Specifically middle school and high school.
[00:00:26] And my son hates it. When I use any of these words, he just keeps saying, "Mom, it's so not cool. You can't use those words. Stop trying to use the cool words." And what I think is so funny about it is I think that these words aren't cool at all. They sound ridiculous when these teenagers are saying these words, and I just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of how some of these new slang words sound and what they are actually meaning. Goated is the greatest of all time. It's the person who has the best of the best and that they go around saying that they're the goated one or somebody else is the goated one. And there's this facade, this pretense that we need to be the best of anyone ever. And that's the vibe of a lot of these new slang words that are coming up.
[00:01:18] But the opposite is also true. I was talking to my sister about some of these funny words that are now very trendy and She was saying that she sees the opposite in her daughter and their group of friends. That there is a trend of all of these terms and all of these common statements that they use that pull each other down. Things like, " I know I'm just the worst." And phrases that may or may not be new but our negative at their core. And these extremes of being the best or the worst may just be words that are being used and they don't actually truly know what they mean, but these words that these teenagers are saying to themselves matter.
[00:02:01] And as obnoxious as I maybe am as a mom, I keep inviting my son to make sure that he remembers what is true, even if he's using these trendy words. Because it's important for him and anyone else to pay attention to the words used when we talk to ourselves. And that includes you and me.
[00:02:19] If you really think about it, you talk to yourself for thousands of hours. Thousands! And You're saying things to yourself. You're exploring different ideas. You're making different judgments. And these streams of words are coming on a day to day basis into your mind.
[00:02:37] *What are you saying about you? How are you talking to yourself? And what is that building in your self image, in your belief about what's possible?*
[00:02:50] So today we're going to dive in and think about how you talk to yourself, how that might be influencing you to stay kind of stuck, and a simple tool that can help you shift away from those all or nothing thoughts. Like the teens of today seem to be practicing, to more useful thoughts.
[00:03:12] But first before we go there, we need to make sure there's an understanding of one basic principle: your brain wants to be right. It is wired to try and solve a problem so we know the right answer, so we can move on and close that loop and not have to think about it again. And so it gets a little obsessed sometimes of finding the right answer.
[00:03:33] But unfortunately, when we get stuck in that, we create an even bigger problem, where we get fixated on solving it, or fixated on the answer we find, and it actually can make things worse. Here's an example for you.
[00:03:48] One of the clients I've been working with is struggling to really connect with her body. She has some past negative experiences that have led her to detach physically, and she's finding that she feels disconnected with her physical self.
[00:04:02] And as I was talking to her, she said to me, "I am 45 years old and I should know how to do this by now! I can't believe that I'm just learning this. I am so disconnected, so bad at this."
[00:04:15] Whether this is true or not, she is believing and practicing this thought that she's disconnected, that she's bad at this, that she should have known this by now. And when she's practicing those thoughts, it leaves her wanting to run away and not think about her body and be distracted by something else. But guess what happens with that? It gives her more evidence that she's right. And her brain is like, "See, I'm so disconnected from myself. I don't know how to do this, and I am just bad at this." You see that vicious cycle that she's practicing that thought?
[00:04:52] Now, like my client, you might be tempted to try and change that, to try and build the evidence that you [00:05:00] are connected to yourself. And sometimes that can work where we do some of the building on the other side.
[00:05:05] *But one of the mental health secrets that can be so freeing is that you often don't have to prove a thought wrong to change its effect on your life.*
[00:05:16] You see, that negative self talk was keeping her stuck and her brain was stuck on solving that problem. And so it was making it more complicated than it needed to be. You don't actually have to change a belief or prove it wrong for you to move past it in empowering ways. Instead of resisting the thought that currently is there, you can reframe it to something more useful.
[00:05:42] Here's how the conversation with my client went. I asked her, "What if you actually don't have to decide whether you're disconnected or not? What if that doesn't matter? Let's not argue with that part of your brain that wants to freak out about being disconnected. Drop that battle. What if instead you reframe it to have a new focus that's more useful to you? No matter where you've been in the past, your body is always changing and adapting and doing different things. It's never been in this place before, and you are now learning a new language of your body. I wonder what you could learn next..."
[00:06:20] As I watched her process this new thought, her little light bulbs started going off in her head and a smile came across her face. She started feeling excited again and curious about what that could be like. Her natural instinct was to brainstorm and think, "Okay, what do I want to learn about my body?" And we talked about the ways it could be fun and insights that she was learning and how she could share that with other people and help them learn the language of their bodies too.
[00:06:51] And as we explored this and talked about it, her motivation came back, her desire to do this came back, and she felt the relief of the burden of trying to change whether or not she was disconnected or connected.
[00:07:05] *She dropped that battle and refocused on a new, more empowering reframe.*
[00:07:12] And guess what that created? More connection with her body! And that connection bred more desire for her to learn that language and expand even more.
[00:07:24] So much time was being wasted on whether or not she felt disconnected because she was resisting that thing she was judging. But when we drop that resistance and reframe it into something more useful, that's where things start to shift and change and get unstuck so we can find more fulfillment.
[00:07:43] Now, I do need to warn you that those other thoughts might still come up. Your brain has spent multiple hours practicing those other thoughts. And so it's easy and natural for your brain to bring those up. But when they do come up instead of saying, "Nope I don't feel that way or that's not true." You can simply say, "I don't need to worry about whether that's true... I'm choosing to reframe to a more useful thought."
[00:08:09] *Where might this reframe tool be useful in your life? *
[00:08:14] Maybe there's a goal that you're trying to work on that you just feel like you are not good at or that you don't want to do. Maybe it's exercising and every time you go to exercise you have the thought, "I just don't want to do this."
[00:08:28] And you fight and you battle and you try and make yourself want it and you feel bad for not wanting it and then you feel deflated and then you don't exercise and give yourself more evidence that it's not something you want to do.
[00:08:40] *In situations like this, I like to use one of my favorite reframing thoughts: All that matters is my next choice.*
[00:08:48] So when your brain wants to have all of this drama about whether or not you want to exercise or you should want to exercise you drop it and you say, "We're not worrying about that. All that matters is my next choice. What's one simple thing I can do next?
[00:09:05] Maybe you just put on your exercise shoes and that's it. You don't have to go exercise just put on the shoes or you just go sit outside on the front porch instead of going for a run. Then maybe next time you actually get in the car and you drive to the gym, but you don't go in. It's just that one next choice. You don't have to want to do any of it. You just refocus on what the next simple thing is.
[00:09:32] Or here's another example. Maybe you're really struggling with a family member. It could be a spouse or an in law or a child where you just feel like they are behaving in a way that isn't supportive or kind. And you've been obsessing about them changing that behavior because it doesn't support you. But what if we let go of being right or wrong and we don't have to worry about changing them? We don't have to die on that hill. We can reframe it and refocus on something you actually can influence: the type of person you want to show up as in that relationship.
[00:10:14] You don't have to worry about what they're thinking or what they're saying or what they're doing. You simply stop and say, "How do I want to show up in this moment?" That simple reframe helps you be present, helps you let go of things that aren't yours to control and helps your brain focus on how you can act in empowering ways.
[00:10:36] There are so many places in your life that this can apply. And a useful trigger to know whether or not to use this is when you feel resistance. Remember, resistance means you're fighting against something. Maybe you drop the fight and reframe to somewhere that you can find joy, fulfillment, empowerment, movement, so that you're not stuck trying to solve a problem, trying to make sure that you're right, when that actually is not helping you in the slightest. It's keeping you stuck.
[00:11:10] *It's time to reframe your thoughts so that they're more useful and supportive for you.*
[00:11:17] As you do, that energy will be positively contagious for the people around you. And maybe, just maybe, we might even influence those teenagers to have more positive thoughts about themselves, too.
[00:11:31] Don't stay stuck, my friend. Reframe so that you can live lighter and shine even brighter. Have a blessed day.
[00:11:41] You are radiant and God wants you to remember that truth. But sometimes you forget. Don't worry. I've got you! I've created some free resources that will help you live lighter [00:12:00] and shine brighter. Check out my show notes for the links. Each week I do a newsletter that gives you inspirational tips and tools to move forward. One simple step at a time. We also jump in on a free monthly masterclass to discover more of that radiant view.
[00:12:19] If you are ready to really dive deep and see your life transformed with more self awareness, self confidence, and self love, you can also book a free Live Lighter session where we uncover the patterns where you are being stuck and see the path forward.
[00:12:40] However, God guides your next steps. Know that you are not alone on this journey, and we are here ready to support you. I can't wait to see how you discover a more radiant you.
