96: Love That Lasts
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[00:00:00] Hello, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Radiant You. Do you know that feeling where you are kind of having an out of body experience where you're watching yourself thinking, "Is that really me? I don't really feel old enough for that?" or, "How did I even get here? It feels like it was a blink of an eye. Am I really doing this?" I've had that feeling a lot this last week because it is 15 year wedding anniversary and I am just filled with gratitude that I have made it to this spot! And with a little bit of awe, like "How did we get here? 15 years feels so long!"
[00:00:45] And as I've been feeling full of that gratitude and thinking about Valentine's day and all of the love and kindness that is spread around at time of year, it has me wondering things like, "What really makes love and marriage [00:01:00] last? What's true? What matters? Where are people getting stuck that maybe it's making it hard for them to create that lasting love?" And as I've been thinking about that, my heart has felt heavy and sorrowful for so many people that I know are struggling to have relationships that feel full of love.
[00:01:22] And this isn't just my perception of the people around me. If you look at any of the statistics that talk about marriage, over half of marriages lately end in divorce. The average length of a marriage in the United States is about seven to eight years. That's it. Barely as long as we're in elementary school.
[00:01:42] I also have sorrow for my own parents that have both been married and divorced multiple times. Even in my own marriage, we almost didn't make it. We were very close to divorce at year two, where we ended up going through an intense year and a half long therapy program to save our [00:02:00] marriage and rebuild it to have more space for that real love. I remember a moment in that journey where I just hit my knees and said to God, "I can't do this. I've been trying so hard, but I still feel empty. Why do I not feel love?
[00:02:20] *Have you been feeling this way too, my friend? Where you just feel such a longing for true deep loving connection that you feel like maybe is slipping through your fingers and you can never quite grasp? *it could be in a marital relationship or even a relationship with another loved one, like a child or a friend. If you feel this way, you are not alone! So many people worry that they will never find love. And even if they do find love, that it won't last. I know I've felt it for many years of my life. And like me, you may
[00:03:00] have found yourself asking the question, what makes real love last? Now a quick Google search will tell you a laundry list of so many different attributes that make a lasting marital relationship. Things like communication and mutual respect, trust, shared values and goals, intimacy, commitment, adaptability... We have all of these check boxes of what a relationship should look like if that love is going to last.
[00:03:29] But I believe that there's something deeper at the core of your experience that is affecting whether love truly lasts. And that is your own relationship with love.
[00:03:45] That moment that I shared with you where I hit my knees and went to God and said, "This is too hard and I can't do this and I still feel so empty..." I felt heaven hand me this simple truth: "Love him [00:04:00] because you love him, not because you need him to love you." In that moment, I realized that
[00:04:09] the things I had been doing to "love him" in our marriage was because I wanted him to love me back. I wasn't giving love freely, selflessly. I was making it about me. I was getting in the way of the love.
[00:04:28] One of my favorite people to learn from is CS Lewis. And he shared a belief that love is more than just an affectionate feeling. It's a continuous choice to support the loved person's ultimate good, despite the vulnerability and potential for heartache that may be there. What a powerful invitation full of so much truth!
[00:04:55] First, love is not just a feeling produced by affection. [00:05:00] And that it requires that you support the other person's ultimate good. that can't come from a selfish place. As he says, you must choose vulnerability even though it could bring heartache. That's where true strength and lasting love are built.
[00:05:19] Now, I want to clarify that this does not mean open yourself up to abuse, live a lifestyle that has no boundaries with your loved ones, and endorse behavior that isn't loving to you. This is not what this podcast is about. And that does not support any of the other things I've shared with you about making sure you are mindful of your own mental and emotional health. But it does invite you to check your relationship with love and remember eternal truth.
[00:05:48] This is not just wisdom, it's scripture. If you read John 13:34-35, it says, "A new commandment I give unto you, [00:06:00] that ye love one another as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." Love is not just a feeling or a reward. *Love is a commandment to follow. It is a law. It is a choice.*
[00:06:26] So what creates love that lasts when you make the conscious choice to give love. This is not the loud and lavish grand gesture that has bursts of passion like you see in that chick flick compatibility and romance.
[00:06:44] No, this is constant, steady, selfless acts of service.
[00:06:50] So many of the voices today say that love should be something that you feel, it should be tangible and it should satisfy and that that love will [00:07:00] drive your commitment to each other. But that is the distorted lie. A recent study showed that the number one reason given for divorce in the recent past was a lack of commitment, either from yourself or from the other partner. They just expected that love would be one way, and it couldn't satisfy, and so they were no longer committed to investing in it.
[00:07:23] *That is the true tragedy of our time: that people have lost the ability to love. *
[00:07:31] My friends, we must drop the expectations of what love needs to look like and replace it with an offering of love.
[00:07:41] Take a moment to reflect on your relationships: whether this is your marriage, your friendships, your family relationships with your children or other loved ones, or any of God's children. How are you giving love?
[00:07:57] Do you have a rule book of how people need to show up [00:08:00] for you to offer your love to them?
[00:08:02] Do you withhold love when someone doesn't meet your expectations, pulling in and guarding your heart?
[00:08:09] Do you need them to love you in a certain way for it to count?
[00:08:14] *My invitation to you is to recommit to choosing love. *
[00:08:20] And it can be simple. It looks like patiently listening to someone, even when you might not want to. Or preparing a meal even if someone isn't grateful or they complain that they don't like it. It could be leaving a kind note or pointing out the good in your loved ones instead of constantly seeing their flaws. As we give these acts of service, doing it out of love means we don't expect gratitude or praise or anything in return.
[00:08:50] *We simply love because we love them, not because we need them to love us.*
[00:08:58] It's been a hard [00:09:00] lesson for me to learn, and it's taken a lot of practice. And I wanted to share a resource that God brought into my life soon after giving me that answer to my prayer years ago. It's called The Love Dare by Alex and Stephen Kendrick, and it's a book that gives you a practice of overcoming your selfishness and offering love. It's an oldie, but a goodie. and there's a link to it in my show notes if you want to check it out.
[00:09:26] I'm grateful for how that resource and so many other ways that God has taught me over the years has helped me shift to be in a place where I had more space to give and receive love.
[00:09:40] And you know what I'm most grateful for when I think about these past 15 years?
[00:09:45] I'm grateful that my sweet husband keeps choosing to love me. Every day when he wakes up and finds ways to contribute in our family; when he does something thoughtful; when he fumbles and [00:10:00] struggles and comes back and says, "Sorry."
[00:10:03] *He keeps choosing to be committed to love. And I choose him, too.*
[00:10:11] What we've created in the last 15 years is a product of choice, not of romance. And it is the thing that I cherish most in my life.
[00:10:21] Let's recommit to Christlike love and see the acts of others who offer us love with renewed gratitude. If you need to practice that gratitude and see your spouse or your loved one with more loving eyes, it may be helpful to create a gratitude journal where you write down what you're grateful for that they did for you. Because if you have the eyes to see it, God will show you their effort. And He will show you how you can freely offer them love too.
[00:10:58] I promise that as you practice giving love and expressing gratitude for the love of others, that you will have a more connected relationship with the people you love, with God, and with yourself too. Because you'll have a better relationship with love.
[00:11:18] Let's recommit to building love that lasts. Keep shining my friend. Have a blessed day.
[00:11:28] You are radiant! But some days it's hard to remember that truth. If you're ready to live lighter and shine brighter, then head over to www.thelightcoach.com and book a free session to discover what's possible. The radiant you is within your reach. Let's find her together.
