[00:00:00] Hello, my friends, and welcome to another episode of shining through. I have a confession to make to you today. I have always hated Halloween. I've always hated it. Ever since I was little, I felt just conflicted by some of the energy that's at Halloween.
[00:00:21] My body has always really struggled with sugar. It's one of those things that I really love and hate, that if I eat a bunch of sugar I get a headache. And so, a natural consequence is I don't love to eat a lot of sugar, but I also get tempted a lot by things at Halloween because all the sugar just lands in your lap and you don't quite know what to do with it. And as a kid, it was harder for me to regulate that.
[00:00:47] I also watched people around me not follow the rules on Halloween. They'd dress in ways that felt inappropriate. They'd watch things that didn't feel right. And I just felt confused as a kiddo.
[00:00:58] So then, fast forward to being a parent, and that frustration and confusion has amplified because it's not only me who's being affected by these things. It's my children too. And I get it. I'm a little stuffy and a little whatever you want to call me, but Halloween is just not my favorite.
[00:01:17] And I was talking to my friend years ago about this Halloween frustration and she confided in me that she felt very similarly. And one of the ways that she has helped shift the energy in her home is to make it a celebration of creativity and imagination. And I loved that. And as I've been thinking about that over the years, trying to implement that in my home, we've found creative ways to do it.
[00:01:42] One of the things that we've done over the years is to do haunted candy houses, so that when my kids get all the candy, there's one night where we just indulge and we make candy houses and we eat what we want. But then those candy houses get a little bit old and stale and gross over a few days. We end up throwing most of the candy out.
[00:02:00] And I felt like this is a pretty good win as a mom, until recently. We have had some physical struggles with the health of my family, especially my youngest child. And I had one of those moments in a doctor's office recently when he looked at me and said, "I need you to make sure that your five year old kid doesn't eat very much sugar in the next few months." And my world just kind of paused for a moment and I wanted to yell at this doctor. "Are you kidding me? It's like weeks away from Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas and you're just going to say like nonchalantly, 'Please don't let your little child eat sugar right now.'? It's the worst time of year to ask me that."
[00:02:38] And as the Halloween parties and the trick-or-treating, all of it started coming closer, I just felt my anxiety rise because I believed that there were two options. Either let it happen the way it happens and just turn a blind eye, which would probably result in some major illness relapse in my youngest son, or to pull him out from the festivities and tell him that he can't participate this time. And that broke my mother-heart even thinking about making him do that because he's already had to be left out in so many ways recently.
[00:03:14] And so I felt backed in a corner, was frustrated, and I called a family council. We had talked a little bit about it before, but we just didn't know what to do besides be honest and open with our family. So we sat down with my four kids, even as young as they are and just said, "Let's talk it out and figure out how we can do this. It's important to us that you have a fun Halloween, all four of you. We've had almost two months of intense illness in our home. So we want you to help us solve this problem of how we can enjoy Halloween while not having candy be the main focus."
[00:03:58] As I was saying this to my children, I thought, "I don't know if there's an answer here because when you're a kid, Halloween is mostly about candy."
[00:04:06] Gratefully, my amazing family was able to brainstorm until we found a solution that worked for everybody. And we all felt a little bit more excited about the possibilities of Halloween. Even me, which is saying something!
[00:04:21] And I'll tell you in a minute what we decided to do as a family. But before I go there, I want to tell you about what this whole situation reminded me of.
[00:04:30] Years ago when I was in college, I had read the book Crucial Conversations and it was really powerful to me. Especially because I was trying to navigate team members on different teams. I was in an employment situation that was a little bit rocky and trying to solve problems that I felt kind of stuck in. And then I got married and that brought in many opportunities for me to practice having better conversation skills. And I was really grateful for some of the things I had learned there. But one of the things that has stuck with me over the years is what they call the fool's choice.
[00:05:04] In the book, they define this concept as *believing that you only have two problematic alternatives as the answer to a choice.*
[00:05:13] Kind of like me and Halloween, where I felt backed in a corner where I was either going to ruin Halloween or ruin the health of our family again.
[00:05:22] Now, the authors of Crucial Conversations believe that *there is always an alternative option if you give yourself space to see it.*
[00:05:31] But many times we can't see it and we get stuck. It looks like being in a work situation where you feel like you either need to quit or be miserable. in your job. Or in a marriage where you feel like your spouse didn't follow through on something and you either have the choice to be annoyed by it and tell them that you really didn't like what they did or ignore it and pretend like it didn't happen.
[00:05:54] Or in a parenting situation that I had recently where a kid was really, really kind and did great things most of the day. And then right before bed, they did something that was very frustrating and lashed out in anger. And I felt like I couldn't praise him for the good of the day because it would be endorsing the negative at the end of the day. And I felt like I either needed to be happy with him or frustrated with him. We feel like this as parents all the time, right?
[00:06:23] *But I believe, just as it is taught in Crucial Conversations, that in every one of these situations, and many others like them, there is always an alternative that is unlocked by the word "and." *
[00:06:37] You see, in the book, It outlines that to get out of the fool's choice and into a better solution, there are three main parts.
[00:06:46] First, you have to state what you want, what you truly want and what you value. And then you have to acknowledge and state what you don't want too. Once you've clarified that for yourself or for the other people involved, then you ask yourself this important question:
[00:07:07] *How can I combine what I want and what I don't want with an and question? *
[00:07:14] They give this example in their book, "How can I have an honest conversation with my husband about being more dependable and avoid creating bad feelings or wasting our time?" When you honestly ask that question and believe there's an alternative answer you'll realize that you can do both. Like my situation with Halloween where I asked how we can enjoy the fun, creative part of Halloween and reduce the amount of candy we consume.
[00:07:46] We decided as a family that we would still enjoy the fun of Halloween and go out and do the social things and say hi to our neighbors while we're going trick or treating. But then they would have the option when they came home to exchange the candy for things that they also find value in, like screen time or not doing a Saturday's job or helping pick something for dinner that I maybe don't make very often, but they really love. These other options helped all of us feel like what we care about was included and important.
[00:08:22] *Where are you feeling stuck in a fool's choice? *
[00:08:27] Consider this, that you might be stuck because you're stuck believing that there are only two negative options.
[00:08:35] So of course you don't want to make a choice because you think that whatever the outcome is, it's going to be negative. What if you gave yourself permission to believe that there's another choice? Write down what's important to you. See what you value and write down what you don't want and what you are hoping to avoid.
[00:08:57] Then ask yourself a curious question that combines both of them with an "and." How can I create what I want and still avoid what I don't want?
[00:09:13] And you might, like me, feel like there isn't an alternative that can answer that question. And you might need to get help. You might need to brainstorm with family members, friends, professionals, or hey, even come get some coaching, whatever you need to brainstorm. I promise you that there is always an alternative option when you honestly consider the "and."
[00:09:40] You are not stuck in a fool's choice, my friend. There is hope. There is an option.
[00:09:46] *Give yourself permission to see things differently. *
[00:09:50] You are a creator. You are not a victim of your life. You get to experience things in ways that you create yourself.
[00:10:01] And my friend, you have more options than you think you do. I promise. And as you open your mind to see it in a new light, you will be able to better shine through.
[00:10:14] I believe in you, my friend. Believe in yourself, too. And believe that joy is possible, because it's right around the corner, one better belief away.
[00:10:28] You can do this, my friend. Have a blessed day.
[00:10:32] have you heard the exciting news? We are now doing group coaching where Christian women come together one hour a week. We do a little mini session and then we dive in deep and see how we can transform your life. It's only $20 a month. You can cancel it anytime, but it's only open for enrollment for a short period of time.
[00:10:54] So go to www.thelightcoach.com/join and come hang out with us. I can't wait to see you there.
