[00:00:00] Welcome to today's TLC. Whether you found this podcast on my website, through the emails I send, or simply from a friend, I'm glad that you've decided to add some TLC today.
[00:00:17] I love doing these podcasts. I actually think about what I want to share with you all the time. Especially when I'm having movie night with my family. Now don't get me wrong, I am enjoying the time with my family, but I can't help but think about all of the different stories, struggles, and parallels that relate to your life and mine.
[00:00:38] Why is it that these movies are so applicable to our lives?
[00:00:42] I think it's because most of them have a similar structure. It usually goes something like this:
[00:00:48] It starts with a main character coping with a problem.
[00:00:52] Then they start seeing the problem, but not really knowing the answer.
[00:00:56] Next comes an opportunity for change, but it requires some risk on their part.
[00:01:02] Their response to that opportunity leads them to learn and grow (or maybe stumble a little) and find some success.
[00:01:11] Near the end of the movie there's a dramatic moment where they find out what they were capable of.
[00:01:17] You can probably relate to this structure: the struggle, change, opportunity, growth, feelings of capability... but unlike movies, you don't have to wait until the end of your story to find out what you're capable of. Today, I want to talk about that: what you are capable of. Rather _what you believe you are capable of. _
[00:01:45] You may be like many of my clients where you've worked through healing from some hardship in your life. You've felt your confidence build even wanted to help others build their confidence along the way. But this is just the first half of the story.
[00:02:00] There's another adventure waiting, ready for any who are willing to explore.
[00:02:07] Too often I've seen in my own life and the life of my clients a resistance to that next adventure.
[00:02:16] Why do we struggle to feel confident that we can do it?
[00:02:21] What holds us back from adventuring forward, exploring the next opportunities that life has to offer? Is it fear? Maybe complacency? Or a feeling of overwhelm that comes with going through day to day tasks? All of these play into the reason why but_ at the core of every reluctant Explorer is a lack of one simple feeling: self-confidence. _
[00:02:49] *To truly understand what you are capable of and be willing to explore you need self-confidence. *
[00:02:58] Now forgive me, but I'm going to get a little jargony here for a minute. There's a difference between confidence and self-confidence. Understanding that difference makes all the difference. Confidence is an external feeling. It is based on evidence that you can do something because the past has shown you that you can do that.
[00:03:22] Here's a simple example. If I try and fill up a glass of water, I'm pretty sure I can do it without spilling. I have a lot of evidence in my past, I've practiced at a ton. It's not something I'm worried about. I'm confident I can do that. If I hand my three-year-old son that same glass, I'm not going to feel very confident that he can do it without spilling or breaking the glass because I don't have very much evidence that he has successfully done that before.
[00:03:51] My confidence is high that I can do it, but my confidence is low that my son can do it.
[00:03:58] On the other hand self-confidence is an internal belief that you can do something despite any past evidence. I may not feel confident that my three-year-old son can pour a glass of water, but as is typical in young children, he sure has self-confidence that he can do it by himself.
[00:04:21] It is a beautiful thing that children come to this earth with a lot of self-confidence. If not, they wouldn't try anything new. They wouldn't learn and grow. They have an inner belief that leads them to try new things. Unfortunately over time, they often quiet that inner voice—instead listening to voices of doubt or fear of failure. They realize that their skill doesn't match their level of confidence. So they start hesitating or worrying that they're going to mess it up. Too often as we grow up, we drop our self-confidence and instead pursue a more tangible, predictable confidence.
[00:05:08] But here's the problem. If you only do something because you feel confident and confidence is based on past evidence it will limit your willingness to try new things.
[00:05:22] If you've been listening to the last few episodes, I talked about the model and how our beliefs and our thoughts influence everything else that happens in our lives. So if you have a belief that you can't try something, because you feel like you're going to fail you aren't going to do it.
[00:05:43] If the thought "I've never done this before," or "I failed at this in the past," you to a feeling of hesitance or resistance, what actions are you going to do? Or not do? And then what results will you have?
[00:06:01] *If you want to change the results in your life you don't need more confidence. You need self-confidence. *
[00:06:10] That belief that you are capable of doing whatever it is you put your mind to—that will bring a feeling of self-confidence. And what type of actions and results will come from that?
[00:06:23] Self-confidence brings courage to be able to try something new.
[00:06:28] Here's a personal example from my life.
[00:06:31] I'm an active member at my church and we do a lot of volunteer work to help the members of our congregation learn and grow. Periodically, the leadership of the church will reach out to different members and ask them if they'd be willing to serve in one way or another.
[00:06:49] Three years ago, I was asked to teach music to the children at our church.
[00:06:55] Although I love music and loved teaching, I had never taught music to children. I also was in the baby phases of learning how to be a life coach and very focused on teaching adult women.
[00:07:10] I felt a complete lack of confidence.
[00:07:13] However over days and weeks of prayer, I found that this was God's will for me at this time and I trusted that it would work out in the end.
[00:07:24] I remember the first time I stood up in front of the children and the other adults that were in the room. I felt so out of place. I kept thinking thoughts like,_ "They were crazy to ask me to do this. This is not what I'm good at." _
[00:07:41] I would feel the anxiety build up in me as my confidence drained. I'd scan the faces in the room to see if they thought that I was doing a good job. And of course, because that's what I was focusing on I found evidence that I probably was doing poorly. Fear of failure and lack of self-confidence left me deflated. I did not want to go back the next week.
[00:08:07] I spent a few days wrestling in my heart and my mind comparing myself to my friend who had previously served these children and thinking of all of the ways where I just felt inadequate. In this frame of mind, I had zero motivation to move forward on that adventure.
[00:08:27] Luckily I had received the answer that that was what I was supposed to be doing at that time. And after a few humbling moments of prayer, I quieted my mind and listened to that light within.
[00:08:42] You know what it said? "_You don't have to be good at this. You just have to be willing to try."_
[00:08:51] That moment gave me freedom.
[00:08:54] Freedom to explore what could be possible.
[00:08:58] Freedom to find new ways to learn and grow.
[00:09:02] And because I was willing to be bad at it I was able to learn how to be good at it.
[00:09:10] Fast forward three years later. I've recently been asked to serve in a different role in my church. And it broke my heart. I grew to love those children. And I grew to be pretty darn good at teaching them music. But that growth never would have happened if I wasn't willing to try, willing to find my self-confidence.
[00:09:36] *I didn't have to be good at it to feel self-confident. *
[00:09:40] _What are you wanting to change in your life? _
[00:09:44] _Why have you not done it yet? _
[00:09:48] _What evidence are you focusing on that's affecting your confidence, blocking your belief that you can do it? _
[00:09:57] _What are you afraid of? _
[00:10:01] Did you know that fear and excitement are actually the same chemical release in your body? Your brain just interprets them differently depending on what you focus on.
[00:10:14] _Self-confidence helps you focus on excitement._
[00:10:20] But let's talk about fear for a moment.
[00:10:24] What is your biggest fear?
[00:10:27] I want you to go there for just a moment. Whatever came up for you when I asked you what you want to change in your life, think about what fears might be blocking that change.
[00:10:39] Is it a fear of hurting someone? A fear of looking dumb? Or simply just a fear of failure?
[00:10:47] The best way to build self-confidence is to neutralize a fear of failure. Fear of failure cripples your willingness to even try.
[00:11:00] Typically we're afraid of failure because we think it affects how lovable or valuable we are if we fail. And of course, we're not going to try if we don't love ourselves through failure.
[00:11:15] Knowing that you have your own back on the other side (no matter whether you fail or succeed) gives you the confidence to try. The self-confidence. Embrace failure as a part of learning and know that you'll remember your worth and love yourself, even if you fail. You can have your own back. That's true self-confidence. And when you have this mindset, it will be easier to build evidence that will also bring you confidence.
[00:11:50] *Here's today's TLC:* take a moment to thoughtfully answer this question: what do you believe that you are capable of and why?
[00:12:04] After you answer that about yourself, answer that about everyone.
[00:12:09] _Why is anyone capable of anything? Because they believe that they are. _
[00:12:15] And that belief that self-confidence drives them to keep trying even through the failures.
[00:12:23] You are capable of anything that you believe you are capable of. And I believe in you.
[00:12:33] *You were created by a creator to be a creator. *
[00:12:40] You can create amazing things in your life if you believe. And if you love yourself through the ups and the downs, this does not mean that you will always succeed.
[00:12:51] But it means that you will love yourself enough along the way to keep trying until you succeed.
[00:12:59] Your next adventure is waiting. Grab your self-confidence and go explore.
[00:13:08] Life after therapy can be simple. Come learn how to think, light feel light, and live light www.thelightcoach.com. I offer five free discovery sessions each week and one of them is for you. Together, let's discover the joy that's possible. In life after therapy.