[00:00:00] Welcome to Today's TLC. Whether you found this podcast on my website, through the emails I send, or simply from a friend, I'm glad that you've decided to add some TLC today. Hi friend, welcome to today's TLC. I have something in my heart that I want to share with you today. There has been a trend with some of the clients that I've supported lately, so I wanted to take some time today to remind you of some things.
[00:00:30] Often when we have an emotional experience, we want to fragment it where we don't feel, but we just solve the problem, divorcing our heart from our mind. We also want to fragment our feelings, thinking that only one can hold your attention at any given time. I'm going to walk through some examples with you today to help you see how freeing it can be when we marry the heart and the mind through the ups and the downs of our life experience.
[00:00:59] I have to practice remembering too, because we're all human, right? And that's okay. But I want you to take a minute today to remember some things that are important on your journey.
[00:01:10] *First, give yourself space to feel.*
[00:01:14] Now I've talked about this on my podcast before, so I'm not going to go into depth about how to feel. (You can check out the episode, titled _"The Secret to Feeling"_ if you want more "how to...") But, I want you to remember today, that feeling is such an important step in addressing any struggle that comes up in your day-to-day experience.
[00:01:35] Two of my clients that I've talked to recently have had some pretty unexpected situations come up that have deeply affected relationships with people they love. And as they've reached out to me for support, both of them did a really good job of taking a moment to process what was going on and purposefully decide what to do next.
[00:01:56] I was honored to walk some of that journey with them. And as they were sharing what had happened, they were saying sentences like,
[00:02:03] "_I want to take time today for some self-care."_
[00:02:06] _"_ _I'm going to give it a while before I make any big decisions."_
[00:02:09] "I_t makes sense why the other person is showing up this way._
[00:02:12] " _I know that how they treated me was just a reflection of their perception..."_
[00:02:17] ...statement, sharing that they were trying to be open and understanding of the situation.
[00:02:22] As I heard both of them saying these things to me at separate times this week, I knew that they had each missed a vital step. They went straight to thinking about the situation, trying to understand it and making a plan for what's next.
[00:02:39] But there's a step before that that is so important in our journey as we're trying to heal. Do you know what that step is...? Feeling. So often, we don't like the feeling that comes with confrontation with struggle between a loved one. So, we immediately try and solve the problem to fix it so we don't have to feel that anymore. _But the root of the problem will not heal if you don't give yourself space to feel_.
[00:03:11] One of the reasons why people skip this step is because they think it has to happen in isolation or have this big meditation session for them to be able to actually feel a feeling. But you can do this first step while you're going through the motions of the next steps.
[00:03:28] You can take it along with you. All it takes is a mindfulness that you are allowing your feeling along the way.
[00:03:36] For example, one of my clients has a husband who chose to go on a trip without her, even though she asked him not to go. She had some feeling about his choice, but had surrendered it and decided to focus on how she wanted to show up next. Well, the next day her husband called because he had gotten himself into a tough, almost emergency situation and wanted her to come and fix it.
[00:04:02] As we discuss the situation and what to do, I reminded her that it was okay for her to feel whatever she was feeling. She shared that she was afraid but then she quickly shifted to all of the reasons why she should or shouldn't respond to his request.
[00:04:19] In that moment, I invited her to hold space for her fear before she decided what to do next. In a few short minutes we practiced holding space for fear, allowing what the fear was based on to come up, and looking at it for a brief moment. And as we were doing that part of the exercise, it came up that she was afraid that he would get in even more serious danger if she didn't help him and that she would feel regret for not stepping in. But immediately after she shared that fear, she also felt a flood of clarity and peace as she recognized her true belief, that God would guide her to know what to do and that she could feel peace, no matter what the outcome was.
[00:05:10] Notice that she did not feel that peace while she was trying to think through the different scenarios, the peace was available to her when she was willing to allow the space for fear.
[00:05:24] Now it's been a few days since we had our session and she has since told me that she has been able to keep hold of that peace and allow the other emotions coming in and out as she's navigating step-by-step what she wants to do next.
[00:05:38] So the first thing I want you to remember and apply to your life is that *allowing feelings first will give you a clearer place to access whatever the next step forward is for you.*
[00:05:52] The second thing I want to point out from this example is that _she was feeling two things at once._ Remember that our feelings come from our thoughts and we have over 60 thoughts a day. And although they will come in waves of patterns we are often feeling multiple things at the same time.
[00:06:11] That's human and perfectly normal.
[00:06:15] Often we think we either feel fear or peace, but what if they come tandem where you feel fear and peace because they are opposites. That's okay. You can hold space for both.
[00:06:30] The other client that I referred to earlier had a little different situation, but similar emotions.
[00:06:36] This time, it was due to a family member who chose to give some unsolicited feedback in a way that didn't seem very kind and came at a time where my client was trying to make some hard life choices and this conversation made it really easy to muddy the water a little bit.
[00:06:52] While processing with my client, she was focusing a lot on trying to explain away why this family member would say what they did, what in their lives would lead them to say those things and respond that way. I could tell that she was wanting to feel okay with the situation, wanting to bypass how she had been affected, and explain away this family member's actions so that she didn't have to have those uncomfortable feelings anymore.
[00:07:20] While we were exploring together, I helped her see that she didn't have to ignore how she had been affected to also be able to hold space in love and kindness for this family member. Too often in my own experience and in those of my clients, I see the pattern where we think we either need to be upset and hurt and frustrated or be unaffected and completely forgiving and understanding.
[00:07:47] But what if they can coexist? What if my client could hold space for how she had been affected and let go of any animosity or judgment or frustration?
[00:08:00] That's exactly what she did.
[00:08:03] In doing so she was able to have a love for herself and for her family member.
[00:08:10] Okay. So let's recap: the marriage of the heart and the mind has two components. 1) giving space to feel before we solve for what's next. 2) Giving space for multiple feelings to co-exist.
[00:08:26] With that in mind, let's practice applying it to something a little bit more universal
[00:08:32] At the time I'm recording this podcast, Russia has invaded Ukraine. There are lots of different thoughts and feelings going around the world right now in response to this news and depending on where somebody lives, what their information source is what their personal beliefs are there are a lot of different things that can be going through their minds and through yours.
[00:08:54] Naturally, fear will be present for many people involved.
[00:08:57] Fear of the unknown, fear of physical safety, fear for loved ones... many of us have felt this tangible fear going through traumas of our own. When we felt like there so much unknown and so many possibilities of things going wrong, that our brains and our hearts just wanted to shut down and not feel anything and hide.
[00:09:17] Can you relate to that feeling? I know I can.
[00:09:22] *So what do we do with fear? *
[00:09:26] From the examples that I just shared with, what comes to your mind? Feel that fear.
[00:09:34] No matter whether you are a citizen of Ukraine or going through traumas of your own, there will be power in your journey if you give yourself space to feel.
[00:09:44] Take a deep breath and allow it to be there.
[00:09:49] Get curious while you're feeling it.
[00:09:52] What does your body do when you feel fear?
[00:09:55] What is it that you're afraid of?
[00:09:58] Answer the questions in your brain in response to that fear.
[00:10:04] We don't have to fight it and push it away. We also don't have to feed it to the point where it consumes our minds and makes it hard for us to think of anything else.
[00:10:15] Giving space to feel allows it to be there without fueling it to make it bigger. Imagine the effect that would have on the world if we all practiced allowing our feelings; how much clearer our minds would be, how much more mental space we would have to make decisions instead of react to them out of fear...
[00:10:41] And, secondly, remembered along that journey, that we don't just have to feel the fear that we can find peace and joy and connection as a people along the way. It's not all or nothing; we don't have to hate or endorse; we're dynamic multifaceted beings with light at our core that can shine and navigate through even the darkest of times if we give ourselves space to be alive in heart and mind.
[00:11:13] *Here's today's TLC:*_ where are your relationship strains, your own personal wars, where you might be having some intense feelings?_
[00:11:24] No matter how large or small the situation might seem, take some time, take just a brief moment to remember... remember, to feel and invite the full spectrum of feeling. Remember your heart and your mind, marry them in a way that allows space to feel not just one, but many feelings along your journey.
[00:11:53] My friends, this is how we can navigate any situation, even those riddled with fear. This is how we live life alive.
[00:12:04] Recently, a light in this world shared her heart as she was on her deathbed. Her name is Jane Maciejewski, and she's a beautiful musician who battled with cancer. Shortly before her passing, she shared some beautiful truths that go right along with this message of heart and mind. These are her words:
[00:12:25] "_Life sets us up for false choices sometimes, like choosing between sadness and enjoying life. Sometimes it's both._ _Humans are capable of holding a number of different emotions and views at once._ _Sadness is the soul's way of saying, 'This mattered...' and I think grieving and feeling it's through all the emotions that you feel (the sadness, the grief, the injustice, the anger, the loss, and the bargaining), I think it's holy work. It's scary to go down those dark roads, but you know what? Those feelings don't leave you; you have to feel it. You can't fake it._ _It's all real, the joy and the pain is real. You don't have to pick one or the other—life is beautiful or life is garbage. It's kind of both sometimes. That's what it means to be human."_
[00:13:23] Let's take a lesson from Jane— give space for our human feelings and remember the beauty and the garbage... they make us who we are.
[00:13:33] Remember to shine your light today and feel along the way.
[00:13:38] Life after therapy can be simple. Come learn how to think light, feel light, and live light at www.thelightcoach.com. I offer five free discovery sessions each week and one of them is for you. Together, let's discover the joy that's possible in life after therapy.