Hi, welcome to my podcast. Today's TLC. I'm Stephanie Hibbert, and I am so glad that you are
here. I have a really important question for you today. Take a minute and think about the
answer. Really think about it.
How are you? Not, I see you in the grocery store and I waved to you as I'm passing by and say,
"Hey, how are ya?" Not that kind of how are you. The kind of, how are you, you ask to your best
friend because you care about them, because you love them. Because you want them to know
that you are a part of their team, rooting for them, there for them if they need you. Really ask
yourself, "How are you?" Like you're your own best friend.
Now I want you to also think, "When's the last time you asked yourself that question?" Many of
us didn't even know that question existed. We didn't even know this was an option that we
have a relationship with ourselves.
Today, I want to talk about that relationship. Do you have a relationship with yourself? What
does that relationship look like? Do you want to be friends with you? Do you want to be friends
with the person you are when you treat yourself the way you do? Let's dig in today and do
some exploring on your relationship with you.
One of my favorite tools to do this is called the four stages of self-love. That's what we're going
to talk about today. Then as always, I'll give you a TLC takeaway that you can apply today to
change your perspective of your world.
Before we jump into the four stages, I want to make sure when I say self-love, you really think
self-love. This is not self-righteousness. This is not narcissism. This is not pride where I think
that I'm better than someone else. This is looking at myself with loving, compassionate
acceptance. That's self-love. All right, let's jump into the four stages of self-love.
Stage one: neglect or ignore. When I asked you how you are today, how did that feel? Was it
foreign to you? Was it something that you do regularly or was it completely a new experience
for you to actually think about your relationship with yourself?
Just last week a client of mine said these words to me, "I never even considered that I have a
relationship with myself."
My heart sank because of all of the opportunities that this middle-aged person had missed in
their life--not knowing that they had a relationship with themselves that needed care.
My heart also exploded with excitement because I could tell that they were shifting away from
the first stage of self-love. Neglect and ignore. If you're in this stage, then you have no idea that
you have a relationship with yourself, and you live your life completely on autopilot--
disconnected from who you are and who you're becoming. This often shows up in people who
are in addiction, those who do everything possible to avoid emotion. Workaholics whose only
identity comes outside themselves, not inside themselves. These are people who are human
doings, not human being . When you're in stage one and you neglect and ignore your
relationship with yourself, there's no space for love. You can't love something you don't pay
Now I've been in that place. I've had moments where I have had no self-love and I neglected
and ignored my relationship with myself. Luckily there are things that help us change our point
of view and invite us to stage two: stagnant awareness. Let's unpackage both of those words,
starting with awareness.
If you have an awareness, it means you have knowledge or perception of something. If I have
an awareness of myself, it means I know who I am, and I know that I need to pay attention to
me. However, in stage two, that awareness of myself isn't progressive, it's stagnant. If I'm in
stagnant awareness. I say things like, "Oh, I'm just a procrastinator," or " That's just the way
that I am." I've started to explore and pay attention to my humanity, who I am, but I don't think
I can change that.
That's just my genetics.
I'm just fat.
I'm just stupid.
I'm just like my mom.
I'm only good at math.
I'm terrible with people.
I'm the responsible one.
I'm the heavy in the relationship.
I'm just busy all the time.
Stagnant awareness means I put all of these labels on myself of who I am and I don't really
think I can change. When you have that type of relationship with yourself, it's hard to love
yourself without judging yourself. When people have that negative relationship with
themselves, that stagnant awareness inevitably brings judgment and grows and grows until
they usually hit a rock bottom. This is where people often go to therapy. They take their
baggage of the way that they think that they are, or their past that created where they're at
and they go talk to somebody about it, to try and understand that helps them shift to stage
three of self-love: conditional change.
This phase is where you believe that you can change that you're moldable, that you can move
forward. When you used to say that you're a perfectionist. Now you can say I'm overcoming
perfectionism. I'm moving to a different way of being. Instead of saying, "I am a good mom or
a bad mom," you start saying things to yourself like, "I can be whatever mom I choose to be." " I
can work on being the spouse that I want to be." " I have the capacity to learn and change and
This is such a beautiful place, and so many resources help us to get to this space where we can
expand what we are capable of becoming. This often comes with an increase in self-love
because you no longer feel stuck in a relationship with yourself that feels like you've been
partnered with someone you don't really want to spend time with. You realize you have
influence on who you're becoming and it's so freeing and such an amazing feeling.
But there's one little piece of this stage. But there's one little piece of this stage that often hides
in the background, pretending like it's not important, but it is so important. The word
conditional change, the title of this stage, implies that yourself love is conditional on your ability
to change. Sure. I can love myself if I set a goal, I change my behavior, and I feel awesome in the
end. Of course, it's easy to love myself in that space. I say, I'm not going to eat sugar for a week.
I make the goal. I keep it--boom lovable. But what about the times when I don't change? When
I don't follow through, when I fail...
Like when it's Christmas time and you go to a party and you say, I'm only going to have one
cookie and you get there and you see that cookie, you eat it. You stop. Boom. You're awesome.
You love yourself, but what about the times where you don't stop at that cookie? What about
the times where you set a goal and you fail?
You say, you're not going to yell at your kids and you yell at them. You commit to finishing that
project that's been following you around and you sit and watch a movie instead. How do you
feel about yourself after you fail?
In the third stage, it's conditional change, which means that yourself love is conditional. That
means that yourself love is only as stable as your ability to change. And guess what? You're a
human and you are going to fail sometimes. Lots of times actually, if you're anything like me.
So then what's the next option. That's where stage four comes in. Unconditional love.
Unconditional love means that no matter the conditions in your life, you love you. The end. You
eat that cookie, you eat 10 of those cookies; you veg when you think you should be productive,
you still love you. You realize that you've been unkind to the people that you love... You still
choose to love you. Stage four means you have your own back no matter the situation; that you
know, that you're learning and growing and failing, and that failure is just part of the human
experience. It's just feedback. So many people think that when they fail, if they beat themselves
up, it will help them remember better next time.
But I want you to remember this: you cannot hate yourself to success.
Your actions are dependent on your feelings. If you feel hatred or you feel self-loathing, then
you won't want to be around you. You won't feel motivated to move forward. You won't look
forward to the next opportunity. You'll want to hide and avoid your own brain. And that's not a
place of progress or of joy or of love or of light. That's a crappy place to be. And that's the
transition into self-coaching.
Self-coaching helps cultivate that self-love no matter what. When you give yourself permission
to fail with love, then you're not afraid of losing your value. Who wants to go after a goal if
failure means you're unlovable? Not me. What, if you could love yourself, whether you
accomplish the goal or not, but you did it because you loved yourself? How would that change
your perspective on your journey? How would that naturally fuel your desire to do all the things
you want to do? Drop the drama. The opposite of love is shame. Shame means I am bad
because I did something bad. Unconditional love means no matter what I do, I am lovable.
Stage one neglect and ignore: there is no, "I am."
Stage two stagnant awareness: there is an "I am," but there's no progress.
Stage three conditional change: there's a progressive "I am," but shame comes along.
Stage four unconditional love: you have the capacity to learn and grow and expand, but there
is an "I am" that never changes. I am lovable. And you are... no matter what. Your value is fixed.
It never changes. Every human being on this planet is infinitely invaluable and lovable. The only
thing that changes your lovability is your ability to love yourself.
That's it. A Rose doesn't change in its value. Some people like a Rose, some people don't like a
Rose. The roses lovability is simply the person's ability to love that Rose. Its value doesn't
change and neither does yours.
So here's my important question today. Where are you in these stages of self-love? My guess is
that since you're listening to this podcast, you at least have an awareness of yourself and you're
striving to create change in your life. But how are you approaching change? With love?
You want to know the answer? Test it out with today's TLC. I challenge you to fail on purpose
today. Pick one thing that you would normally beat yourself up if you didn't do and choose to
fail. And then pay attention to your brain after you fail.
Now, failure doesn't have to be big. It could be as simple as you forgot to brush your teeth.
Right? The way that you talk to yourself after you fail, will tell you your relationship with
yourself. Do you have your own back? Do you want to be your friend? Are you on your team or
are you against yourself? The answer to that affects everything else in your life, every
relationship you have, every goal you're striving to achieve.
it's time for you to learn to love you unconditionally.
It's the only way to embrace who you really are and the only way to achieve lasting change.
More on that in the next podcast. Thanks for listening today.
If you want to learn more about how to think light, feel light and live light, then hop on my
website, www.thelightcoach.com to schedule a free intro session and explore what's possible
for you. That's www.theL-I-G-H-Tcoach.com. I promise you it'll be an adventure that you will