65 - Useful Comparison
===
[00:00:00]
[00:00:03] Hello, my friends. Welcome to Shining Through. I hope your healing journey is going well this week, but sometimes you have those moments where you are just feeling like, "Ugh, I am never. Going. To make it."
[00:00:16] Maybe you took the quiz that I have from last week about your phase of the healing journey and you're not in a place where you thought you were. You have more room to grow that you didn't realize was there.
[00:00:28] Or maybe you see someone who has a supportive spouse or a healthier body than you, or the money or the time or education, support, strength, faith, whatever it is that they have that you feel like you just don't have.
[00:00:45] And if you're like most of us on this planet, when you have those voices come in your head, you also have a negative counter voice that says something like, "You shouldn't compare. Jealousy is selfish." Or maybe it sounds like " You should be happy with what you have. Don't you see how good God has been to you? Why are you not grateful? You should be happy for them too. Don't you love them?"
[00:01:10] We often beat ourselves up for judging other people and then we judge ourselves and we feel even more terrible at the end.
[00:01:20] What if in those moments comparison could actually be a useful tool for you. Today in this episode, I'm gonna help you make that shift and know how to use comparison curiosity in a way that will help you move forward on your healing journey.
[00:01:40] To make this shift, you first have to understand two foundational truths.
[00:01:45] *Truth number one, why we compare*. Now we have all that drama about not comparing, but what you need to understand is that your brain naturally wants to compare.
[00:01:58] There's a part of your brain that is actually made specifically to look around at the people who are doing things better than you, see the gap of where they are versus where you are, and try and fill that gap.
[00:02:12] This part of your brain has one main job: to keep you alive. And this part of your brain is more of a primitive part, and it believes that if you are included it will increase your chances of survival. Your brain thinks, "If I'm not part of the tribe, I'm gonna be eaten by a lion."
[00:02:32] This ingrained instinct in you is still there and so your brain is naturally scanning for that, trying to make sure that you are included, "Who else is included? Be like them. They have what you need so that you can be safe. You can be loved. You can be accepted. You can be part of the tribe." Because the worst thing that could happen for that part of your brain is for you to be outcast, isolated, alone.
[00:03:02] We spend so much of our energy reacting to this primitive part of our brain, but this well-intended part of our brain is like a toddler with a knife that's running around trying to be useful and actually causing more harm. When we let it be in charge, it makes us miserable and causes more problems. But it doesn't have to be in charge.
[00:03:29] Before we go to how to do that, we have to remember the second truth.
[00:03:34] *Truth number two: everything you do is to create or avoid a feeling.* Everything.
[00:03:42] So what feelings would motivate you to want to compare?
[00:03:47] Think about the last time you felt stuck in comparison. For many of us, it's social media, right? We pull out our phones because we're bored or because we're feeling intense feelings and we don't wanna deal with them and so we go to social media to distract us.
[00:04:01] Where we're like, "Ugh, I just need something else to do right now." We hop on Instagram or Facebook and we start scrolling. And we naturally start comparing to what we see that happy couple, "Ugh, we wanna feel loved." That person who got a raise or got pregnant or got that thing that you've been wanting for so long and you just start feeling like you wish that you could be there, that would make you so happy.
[00:04:27] Or maybe you see a beautiful woman who you've always wanted to look just like her because you too wanna feel confident, beautiful, healthy.
[00:04:38] Or you see that family doing that fun family trip and you just wish you had the money, the financial freedom, so that you could go and do that too, because you want that rush of fun and excitement.
[00:04:51] And we see all of these positive things that other people are experiencing, and we want that feeling. Remember that tribal brain is thinking, "I wanna do that too. I don't wanna be left out. I wanna be included. We need to survive." And then you end up feeling jealous. You judge them or you judge yourself or your life and you feel drained after you've fallen into the social media trap.
[00:05:17] We've all been there, my friend. And then what meets us on the other end is those voices again that tell you, "You shouldn't feel this way or you shouldn't have spent time on social media. And well, that was just a waste. And why are you comparing? Aren't you happy with what you have?"
[00:05:32] This cycle that is so normal ends up leaving us more defeated and deflated.
[00:05:38] So what do we do? We usually shut out social media. Or we try and turn off our comparison brain, set boundaries around it. "We're not gonna do this anymore!" and kind of resist that natural urge within us, which when you try your willpower will last for a while, but willpower is a finite resource that you end up depleting and then you go back into the previous cycles. It simply won't work.
[00:06:02] And then you naturally get stuck on your healing journey, feeling like you're running in circles. Have you felt this before, my friend? I know that I have and so many of the women I've supported get stuck in this comparison trap. But it doesn't have to be this way.
[00:06:20] There is another way. Your brain isn't just primitive. That's only a piece of the beautiful gift that God has given you.
[00:06:29] And when you know how to use your brain, it changes your relationship with that natural response and your relationship with comparison.
[00:06:40] *At its root comparison is longing for something that you think that you don't have.*
[00:06:46] Your brain says, "I don't have these things. That's why I'm not happy. I need those things and _then_ I will be happy."
[00:06:55] Remember truth number two: your feelings are behind everything. But my friend, what creates your feelings?
[00:07:06] It's your thoughts, your own beliefs create your perception of the world, your experience of everyday life.
[00:07:16] So what if, when you're feeling that jealousy pull at you, when you're wanting to compare, instead of pushing against it or judging yourself, you trade that judgment and scarcity for curiosity. You have a plan set in place to tell that primitive brain what to do, to teach that toddler with a knife to be useful.
[00:07:42] Remember that person that came to mind when I asked you to think of somewhere you are comparing in your life right now? I want you to answer this simple question: What is that person feeling that you want to feel?
[00:08:00] *In the end, what you actually want is the feeling you think they are feeling.*
[00:08:07] Maybe it's safety, peace, courage, joy, hope, love, acceptance, accomplishment, freedom, confidence. These feelings are all beautiful things that you want, and it's okay that you want them. So instead of resisting all of that and judging yourself for comparing, use curiosity to learn from what you're wanting with these three simple steps: *allow it, see the whole picture, and focus on the feeling.*
[00:08:48] Let's do this together right now. I want you to think of someone you are currently feeling jealous of or comparing with. It can be the example you thought of before or somewhere else, just somewhere in your life where you feel like, "Man, every time I see that person, I just struggle to be okay with my life."
[00:09:07] You got somebody in mind? Okay, now let's move forward with curiosity, with step one.
[00:09:14] First, allow yourself to compare and feel jealous for a moment without judgment. Just give yourself space to feel it.
[00:09:24] It's okay, that you feel jealous, that you want that feeling in your life too. If you see a post on social media of somebody traveling and having a fun time with their family, of course you're gonna wanna have fun too. Let yourself want it. That's okay. It doesn't need to mean anything about you that you want it. Give space for your feelings. That's step number one.
[00:09:54] Now, step number two, see the whole picture in truth. If you see this post of somebody traveling, you're naturally feeling jealous of that rush of joy, that they're experiencing, that connection with family, that you wanna make those memories.
[00:10:11] Or maybe it's the freedom financially for them to even do that and you've wished that you could have that too.
[00:10:18] Well without judging them and without judging yourself. Let's check some of those assumptions.
[00:10:24] How about the financial freedom? How can you get curious about that piece? What's the whole picture there?
[00:10:31] Well, maybe they made a lot of sacrifices for them to be able to use that money to go on that trip. And if they have an abundance of money, what other sacrifices have they made in their life to have that abundance?
[00:10:44] Recognize that if you have one end of that stick, you have to have the other end as well. Maybe they even put it on a credit card and now they're feeling strapped in the financial burden of going on that trip.
[00:10:56] You don't have the whole picture and teaching your brain to see it as a whole helps you not feel so isolated from the people who seem to have only the good feelings, that it's not actually reality.
[00:11:12] When you curiously see the bigger picture, it can naturally diffuse some of that jealousy, resentment, comparison, and give you more space to see where you might actually be experiencing some of the feelings that you're longing to have.
[00:11:27] And that naturally brings you to step three. Get curious about what feeling you are wanting. What was it that was drawing you to that place of comparison?
[00:11:40] It's okay that you felt that way. There's a bigger picture going on here, but what is it ultimately that you want?
[00:11:48] Is it excitement and freedom that you're craving? Recognizing that, seeing it as what it is, simply a feeling can help diffuse the struggle.
[00:12:01] *These three steps of allowing yourself to feel it, giving space to see the bigger picture, and recognizing that it's simply a feeling that you're wanting to feel, sets you up to be able to bring it back to your life and decide what you wanna do next. *
[00:12:22] Is there anywhere in your life that you are already experiencing that feeling? Recognize it. Feel it. Yes. Validate that you have that feeling and that you can lean in where you're already creating that in your life.
[00:12:37] Maybe you have a young child who's learning how to do something new and it feels exciting for you. Maybe you've been doing some self-care, where you're going to an exercise class that you've come to really actually love and you feel the freedom of going there and investing in your self-care.
[00:12:55] Where in your life are you already experiencing that feeling? It's gonna look differently than the person you saw and compared yourself to, but *when we approach this with curiosity, we give our brains the job of finding it in our lives instead of finding all the ways that we aren't experiencing it.*
[00:13:15] If you don't have that excited, free feeling or whatever it is that you are longing for, that's the moment where you curiously ask yourself, "Is this a feeling that's important to me to create?"
[00:13:28] And it may or may not be. It might be that you think you want that, but it actually isn't gonna serve you and you don't really care in the end. Or there's a different feeling that you wanna invest in more than this feeling of excitement.
[00:13:43] There was a beautiful moment with one of my clients where she experienced this shift. She had been really grieving and frustrated because her dad's wife was gonna get the home that she grew up in and was promised that she could have when she was older and she was feeling really hurt that that home was not going to be hers.
[00:14:04] While we were in our session, we processed that feeling, gave her space. "Of course, she's feeling hurt. It's totally fine for her to be feeling that way. And then we explored the bigger picture. What is it that was actually going on? Maybe some of the lies that she was believing that she could drop, so that she could see the picture clearer. And what was it that she really, truly wanted to feel in the end?
[00:14:30] As we explored what she was thinking and she was feeling, she had the idea, "Well, what if I bought the house? I could offer to buy it. Then I'm not being a victim of not getting the home and I can show that it's really valuable to me." And when she had that thought, she realized something.
[00:14:52] *Finding a way to validate what she wanted and allow herself to feel it, released her need to hold on to that desire*. She realized what she really wanted was to feel important and heard, for someone to advocate for that little girl inside her who her daddy had promised to give her that house.
[00:15:17] And in that moment when she was sharing with me, she said, the most beautiful thing. She looked at me with one of those empowering smiles and said, "I'm that someone. I will advocate for her. I don't even want the house. I just wanted to feel heard."
[00:15:41] My friends, that moment was so powerful where she was able to release the need to fight for the home that she actually didn't want to have. It was far away from where she lived. She didn't want the financial burden of it. It was totally fine for her not to have the house. She was just connecting the house to feeling important, heard, loved, advocated for, but she didn't need anyone else to do that for her. She embraced it in her own life that she already was creating space for that. She was advocating for herself. She knew she was important and she wasn't dependent on the people around her and their actions proving that to her. She was able to let it go.
[00:16:32] And then with that freedom, she decided what to do next.
[00:16:35] *Sometimes, curiously finding the feeling you think you want will help you recognize that you don't even want it in your life. It's not something that's important to you and you can either provide it for yourself or let it go. You don't even need it. *
[00:16:55] Other times you will find that it's a feeling that is important to you and you don't have it in your life yet, and that's good information too. That knowledge helps you move forward and know what it is that you want to create.
[00:17:09] *But not with someone else's life—with yours.*
[00:17:14] You are a creator, not a martyr. It's okay that you want the feeling that someone else is experiencing, but my friend, please remember that your thoughts can create your feelings and if you start practicing new thoughts, you can invite that feeling. Whatever it is that you haven't had in your life so far, you can create that feeling right now today, little by little.
[00:17:48] But you have to believe you can. It might not all come at once. You might have to take baby steps to get there, but it is possible any feeling you wanna create is possible. I promise you. I've experienced it and I've watched it over and over again.
[00:18:04] One of my favorite things to do with my clients is to walk backwards from what they want to create to the thoughts and feelings that will create it.
[00:18:15] It's so empowering when you start to really start doing these processes in your life and moving forward on your healing journey.
[00:18:23] So let's do a really quick recap about what you do when you feel triggered by comparison or jealousy.
[00:18:29] *You start out by getting curious with these three simple steps, allowing yourself to feel it, seeing the whole picture, and then focusing on what feeling you are actually wanting to create. Then you're able to look at your own life and decide what to do next. *
[00:18:46] Is it already there? Where are you feeling it? Does this feeling even matter to you? If not, drop it and move on, or if it does matter, how can you create it? What thoughts, feelings, actions, would help you create that in your life today? One simple thought, one simple step at a time.
[00:19:11] My friends, *the key to all of this is not to stop comparing but to stop judging yourself for comparing and instead getting curious and using that information to *_*help*_* you.*
[00:19:24] When you're on social media or other areas of your life, whether you're at church or at school, or at work or at home, wherever it is that you're struggling to love yourself, what if you stopped judging yourself, got curious about what you really actually want, seeing the whole picture and deciding whether you wanna create it in your life or if it's already there?
[00:19:46] This process will help remind your brain that you are going to be fine and that you truly do have everything you need to survive. And my friend, you are more than a survivor. You are a creator. Use this simple comparison curiosity tool and see what you already have and what you can create.
[00:20:10] You don't have to stay in the misery of comparison. You can use curiosity to shine through. Keep shining my friend. Have a blessed day.
[00:20:22] Healing is possible. If you feel stuck on your healing journey, you do not have to stay there. I've created an empowering quiz that helps you know exactly why you're stuck, what phase you're at in your healing journey, and gives you three simple things you can do right now to help you move forward. All you have to do is go to www.thelightcoach.com/quiz and take this free five minute quiz.
[00:20:53] I promise it will help you move forward and create that life of peace, hope, courage, and joy that you want to live. It simply starts by taking a quiz and seeing what's possible. I can't wait to see what you create next.
