63 - Giving Yourself Space
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[00:00:03] Hello my friend. Welcome to another episode of Shining Through. Have you ever had those moments where a stranger comes up to you to introduce themselves and they're just a little bit too close to you? You have that thought, "I don't really know you. Can you just take a step back? " Or maybe it's a child who is trying to get your attention and they're like, "Mom, mom, mom, mom. " And they're right in your space and you have the thought. If you would just take a step back. I would have way more space to hear you. You may even put your hands out as a signal that you need a little bit of physical space.
[00:00:35] As I'm telling you this story about one of my clients today, I want you to hold on to that feeling.
[00:00:42] That feeling of I just need a little bit more physical space. Honoring that feeling is what gave my client the space to reconnect to who she is and show up in a way that was beautiful on one of the most important days of her life, even though she was exhausted and nervous and grieving all at the same time.
[00:01:05] But these moments, these moments where there's so much going on in our head and in our heart and we're able to find that space, that's what it means to shine through. Last week on the podcast, I shared about a crazy storm in the Redwoods where I ended up sleeping in my car after a 12 hour drive with all four of my children.
[00:01:24] At the end of that episode, I invited you to stop chasing the thing that you think will give you relief, that thing that you're so sure is gonna fix everything, and instead, embrace the inner woman of faith who knows how to recenter and to find peace no matter what's going on.
[00:01:44] But what does that even look like and how can you do that even in the moments where it feels crazy and chaotic and like you don't know what way is up?
[00:01:53] Hopefully the story that I share with you today about my client will give you a little glimpse about what it means to shine through. The moment that this client came to me, she had been struggling because she was planning the wedding for her daughter and everyone knows that wedding planning is kinda crazy.
[00:02:11] There's a lot of emotions that come up & a lot of different things going on. I just went through this with my brother and I didn't even plan the wedding. Just being there to support it was crazy, but totally worth it.
[00:02:22] And these are the moments that we want to feel present. We wanna be available, connect, make amazing memories. But we also have the added pressure of all of the different things going on in our head and in our heart. And this client of mine shared that this is the first time that her daughter had fully put trust in her. It was leaving her worried about messing up her relationship with her daughter. She didn't want her daughter to see how hard this was on her because then she worried that she'd pull away and not ask her for things and she really wanted to be there for her daughter and support her.
[00:02:55] She also had some added fears about the emotional experience of her daughter. When my client had gotten married, she felt like she lost herself.
[00:03:05] It was a really emotional experience for her, which I totally understand because I went through the same thing and you may have too. Getting married sometimes can feel like an identity shift where you are not quite sure who you are anymore and it can feel really uncomfortable.
[00:03:21] Naturally, my client didn't want her daughter to feel hurt. She didn't want her to go through that struggle. She remembered her as a little girl having all of these dreams about marriage and about what she was gonna grow up to be and she didn't want her to lose any of that dream. She wanted the wedding and the marriage to be like that dream that she had as a little girl.
[00:03:45] Have you ever felt like this in your life where you just wanna make sure that you do things right because it's so important to you, whether it's your dream or somebody else's, you just wanna make it perfect? And push away anything that might cause pain or disrupt that dream that you hope for, long for.
[00:04:07] Well, my friend, as I listened to these well-intended desires of my client, I could see so clearly why they were keeping her stuck in control, in worry, in this false front, she was giving her daughter not letting her true self shine through.
[00:04:25] After she shared what was going on, I invited her to take a moment and create space for what she was really feeling. "It's okay to feel this way. It's okay to have these thoughts, these worries, these dreams. All of it is valid. Are you letting yourself feel them? Are you giving yourself that space? Let go of the fight. Of course, you wanna have a daughter who trusts you. Of course, you wanna protect her from getting hurt. Her dreams are important to you, and that's okay. Give yourself space to honor what you are feeling. "
[00:05:06] When I invited her to do this, it helped her explore that feeling and diffuse the resistance that was causing her to disconnect from herself and her daughter.
[00:05:16] I held space for her as she was exploring these feelings, where they were in her body, what they meant for her, and what truths she wanted to hold onto. It was so beautiful and by the end of it she was beaming. Her energy was so clear and she knew what she needed to do next. She felt at peace that her daughter's journey is guided by God and that the struggles of our life, those ups and downs, that learning is part of why we're here. And she actually really didn't wanna protect her daughter from that.
[00:05:48] *That's part of the beauty of life.*
[00:05:51] She also remembered and honored the truth that she has tools and space to support her daughter in ways that other people didn't have that space for her and she doesn't need to fear the future for her or her daughter.
[00:06:07] That gave her courage to be honest with her daughter, to be more authentic so that it could improve their relationship instead of trying to control it, so that she's not affected.
[00:06:17] She realized that she had been hiding, pretending that everything was totally fine, and that made her inauthentic, disconnected, which is what she didn't want. She wanted to connect. Because she gave herself space for what she was really feeling. She created more space so that she could enjoy those moments moving forward, creating a memory that she will always have. Even with the ups and downs and the imperfect parts, the most important thing was that she had space to connect to herself and to those around her.
[00:06:55] *Space to shine through no matter what happened. *
[00:06:59] Because we all know that at weddings crazy things are gonna happen. It's not gonna go the way that you want. And so trying to force it to is gonna make you crazy.
[00:07:08] Well, after processing and recentering, she shared something with me that was beautifully profound. She said, " I have learned that over years and years of healing, what I often need is physical space. I get a little bit anxious if people are too much in my space and so I am clear about needing them to step back or give me some alone time because my physical space is important for me to feel clear. I know that I need to be mindful of my body, and I've put boundaries in place to help me with that. "
[00:07:41] "* But when you invited me to hold space for how I was feeling, I had this realization that I don't just need to have boundaries about my external space. I want to learn how to hold internal space too. "*
[00:07:58] My friend let that sink in. This beautiful truth that this woman shared about needing internal space. Do you remember at the beginning of this episode when I talked to you about that feeling where you just need a few inches to feel like you can have space to talk to somebody?
[00:08:18] Have you ever felt like that internally? Where you feel like there are so many different feelings and thoughts and emotions flooding you that you don't feel like you can think where you just need a little bit of space to reconnect to yourself and have space for others.
[00:08:35] It's like that moment on the mountain in last week's podcast where I didn't have physical space to sleep at that lodge that I wanted so desperately to solve my problems.
[00:08:46] In that moment what helped me shine through was holding internal space. These moments of unexpected experiences or weddings or things that are intense and all the whirlwinds of thoughts and feelings. Those definitely happen in our lives, but *we also have everyday moments where we need that space too. *
[00:09:10] It could be that moment where you're trying to make dinner or clean something up or get ready to leave the house and your kids are fighting and at your feet and they're asking for your attention. And your husband's not home from work yet. He's running a little bit late and you just feel the energy start to build.
[00:09:27] Or you're in an argument with somebody and you're trying so hard to feel heard and feel patient, but you feel hurt and you feel scattered and you're not quite sure what to even say next.
[00:09:39] *You feel the need for that space.*
[00:09:42] Or as it often happens on our healing journeys, you get triggered by some past trauma that you really don't wanna think about, but the feelings and the thoughts, they just come up and all you wanna do is just resist them and push them a few inches away.
[00:09:58] That pushing away, that resisting, is not internal space. That's like pushing that beach ball down under the water where the pressure builds and then it builds and builds and eventually it just hits you in the face and you explode at your kid or explode in the argument or let that trauma trigger fester and you end up showing up in ways that aren't your honest, authentic, you.
[00:10:22] *Finding internal space does not mean pushing away your feelings. It means creating space for them to be there.* That it's okay that you feel that way.
[00:10:35] *Life won't always give you this space around you, so you have to learn to create your own space within you.*
[00:10:43] It's one of the most valuable gifts that you can give yourself, and honestly, sometimes it's as simple as a breath and a clear thought. "It's okay for me to feel this way. " Or "I can create my own space. I take care of my needs. " Truths like these, simple breaths, mindful moments where you hold that beautiful, loving space without judgment, with curiosity, asking yourself what you might need.
[00:11:17] This natural shift brings that inner light to help you navigate the ups and downs of everyday life and of those big struggle moments. And it can help you decide what to do next.
[00:11:33] Now you might be saying to me, "Stephanie, I live a fast-paced life and I don't always have time to just take some internal mindful space and be all zen and yoga about it. " And that is not what I am inviting you to do.
[00:11:45] One of my favorite hacks of doing this is to do it when I go to the bathroom. I know that sounds kind of random, but when you're taking space to honor your physical body, it's easy to remind yourself, how am I holding space for my internal body and if you're in an argument or if your kids are at your feet, it's one of those things that you can say, "Hey, I need to go to the bathroom really quickly. I'll be right back. " And you close that door and you take a moment whether you have to actually go to the bathroom or not, you deserve to honor the need for both external physical space and internal emotional space.
[00:12:25] Take a moment right now and just practice. You don't have to be feeling anything intense. It can be something small. The more we practice giving ourselves space with small things, the easier and more naturally we will give ourselves space with the big things.
[00:12:42] *So get curious. How can you give yourself space right now for anything that might be going on for you? *
[00:12:48] Can you validate that it's okay for you to feel how you're feeling? Of course you would feel that way. It's natural to feel that way. Is there anything that you've been resisting and not wanting to look at that maybe giving it a little bit of attention would go a long? What else might you need right now? It may be some truths that you need to remember about how valuable you are, how you need space too, & how it's okay to be imperfect.
[00:13:19] Explore anything that comes up and honestly, it can take 30 seconds to do this. Studies say that, if you give space for your feelings, they usually pass within 30 to 60 seconds. That is a one minute choice that can save hours of emotional frustration if you give yourself space.
[00:13:41] It's how I was able to calm down on that mountain. It's how my client was able to beautifully and imperfectly show up for her daughter at her wedding. She sent me a message after saying that she was able to remember her healing, use the tools and strengths that she already had, and she said, "I was present and it was a true gift. "
[00:14:06] My friend, you can have the gift of presence too, no matter what's going on for you right now. Big or small, it matters.
[00:14:17] Go create space for yourself, my friend, so that you can shine through too. Have a blessed day.
[00:14:26] Are you getting my TLC Tuesday emails? They are filled with tips, insights, and invitations to help you add light to your life. Go to www.thelightcoach.com/subscribe and make sure you're included. Because big things are coming and I don't want you to miss them.
[00:14:45] Together we can create a healing journey that's full of peace, hope, confidence, and joy.
