51 - Fear, Duty, & Love
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[00:00:00] Hey friend, guess what? This is the 51st episode. And if you were listening last week, I kind of wanted to do something to make it special that we've done 50 of them. So I decided to level it up a little and do a live masterclass next week that's free to anybody who's been listening. It's about how to balance self care and service as Christian woman, and you are not going to want to miss it. So go check it out at www.thelightcoach.com/masterclass and I'll see you there.
[00:00:33] Now enjoy episode 51, fear, duty and love.
[00:00:37] Hi, my friend, welcome back to another episode. Let's chat for a second. I want you to think and then pretend like you're telling me how your childhood was. What do you believe about your parents? Were they the type of parents who were very strict and authoritative, and if you did something wrong they would lecture you or shame you ? Or maybe you had kind of neutral parents that weren't really there and you could do whatever you wanted and kind of get away with it. Something that many teenagers are grateful for in the moment but look back on and wish they had a real parent who was paying attention.
[00:01:19] You might be somewhere in the middle or have some trauma from what happened in your childhood that was really unsafe and unhealthy. You also may have been one of the very lucky few who had two emotionally available parents who created a healthy safe environment where you felt loved nurtured and supported.
[00:01:43] Even if you're one of those lucky few, no parents are perfect. No matter how hard parents try, they will always do something that influences their children to show up in certain ways. If you had parents who were very overbearing and negative you may have been afraid of them and that fear would have driven you to obey or avoid them.
[00:02:09] You may have also had parents who weren't so negative, but we're very clear about what the rules were. And so you were always chasing those rules, trying to do it right out of that sense of responsibility that duty to follow your parents. If your parents were very nurturing and connected and safe, you may have experienced the beauty of being motivated by love. When you feel it from some someone you naturally want to do things because you love them.
[00:02:42] *These three motivators fear duty and love are behavioral patterns that we learn In our environment growing up.*
[00:02:52] And concepts like this are probably not new to you. If you've been through therapy or tried to parent a child or even just recognize some of how your own behaviors mimic and your parents you know that your day-to-day life has been influenced, on some level, by the way that you were raised.
[00:03:13] *What I want you to consider today is how your relationship with your parents and your home environment shaped your view of God. *
[00:03:23] For me, I didn't have a dad that was there. My parents got divorced when I was younger, he never paid child support and he was barely in and out of my life in my growing up years. And so that parent child relationship with my earthly father made it hard for me to believe in a Heavenly Father who was consistent and steady and available to me.
[00:03:48] Growing up I had this image of God that He was kind of there, but not really an active member of my life. I had a hard time connecting with Him personally and feeling important, valued, loved...
[00:04:04] On the other hand, my sweet mom was kind and loving in the way she knew how, but she was so busy trying to pick up the pieces of our family that I didn't feel like a priority. She also expected me to be responsible so she wasn't really parenting me much.
[00:04:24] With an absent dad and an unavailable mom who was more like a friend or a partner I never really felt like I had a parent that I could turn to when I needed help. I decided really young that I just needed to figure things out myself. So naturally I didn't have that pattern of turning for help.
[00:04:46] I also, wasn't afraid of my parents but I didn't feel that nurturing support that binds parents and children in love. My motivators were more out of duty. Duty to be the person who didn't cause problems in my family. Duty to live the lifestyle that would make God be proud of me, not necessarily because I desired righteousness, but because I didn't want to disappoint anyone.
[00:05:17] Can you see how that atmosphere shifted some of my beliefs about my relationship with God or even why I wanted to follow Him?
[00:05:27] *Take a moment to consider your relationship with God. What influences from your parents, from your upbringing* *shift the way that you interact with God?*
[00:05:41] What beliefs may be keeping you from truly accessing the power of a nurturing, loving, connected relationship with a Father in Heaven who knows you so intimately and is personally invested in your everyday life. Giving yourself time to consider that can be a really powerful experience.
[00:06:05] But here is the good news: Whatever happened in your childhood is in your childhood. And we think that we're bringing all of that with us now and we can't escape it. But here's the beautiful truth. Your brain is totally different then when you were growing up and you remember it differently than you even experienced it back then. Studies show that we don't have accurate memories of what really went on. So you don't have to go dig through your past and re-experienced everything that you went through as a child to figure out how to have a relationship with God.
[00:06:44] The only thing that matters is awareness of what you believe now. I gave you that backdrop of the parenting styles and the motivators simply for you to take an inventory.
[00:06:57] *What are you choosing to continue to believe?*
[00:07:02] *What do you want to believe about God?*
[00:07:04] Do you want to believe that he's the type of Father that loves you unconditionally? That is there for you when you are struggling? That you can turn to and He is so ready to help you?
[00:07:18] Do you also want to believe in the type of God who does have rules, because He wants to support you to have the best life you can? And He knows those rules will help you? Not "He has rules and laws that you have to keep, or you get punished and isolated. "
[00:07:34] Think about it. Society makes us believe that when we break a law or do something wrong that we get isolated and punished. You get taken to the principal's office if you do something wrong in school. You get put in jail and taken away from the people you love if you do something wrong in society. That isolation, that punishment, it drives us to do things out of fear and duty to the law.
[00:08:01] We don't obey the traffic laws because we love our local authorities. We obey them because we're afraid of getting tickets and we're afraid of getting in car accidents and we want to be obedient to the law because it feels good to do it the right way.
[00:08:15] And that's appropriate because that's the type of relationship that's appropriate to have with the local law. But God is so much more than that. He is the author of love and He has all of the love to give us that we will receive.
[00:08:32] I was talking to a teenager who was struggling the other day. I love her so dearly. And she reached out to me and she said, "I did something that I'm so ashamed of. I haven't done it for a really long time and I just feel so hopeless. I feel like I'm back at square one and I can't even pray. "
[00:08:51] Now, I been working with this beautiful young woman for years to help overcome these struggles that she's had. As I listened to her talk about wanting to hide from God and push Him away, a truth came into my mind that was not mine. I knew God wanted her to have this message. I heard myself saying, "My friend, repentance is not to punish you. It's simply turning again to God and reentering into His love. That's what it is. We let go of the sin so we can reconnect to God's love. He doesn't want you to be punishing yourself. He wants you to clean yourself so you can be with Him. _That's_ repentance. "
[00:09:47] And in that moment, I just felt the weight just drip off of her. She started feeling hopeful again. That she didn't need to be mean to herself, that this loving Father wasn't sitting, pointing His finger, "You did it wrong again. How dare you! You know better than that. " He was opening His arms, inviting her, loving her. All she needed to do was receive that love.
[00:10:14] *I believe that God is not sitting there waiting to punish us for the sin or push us in isolation. We don't have to pay for that sin—someone else already has.* *God sent Christ to pay for the sin so that we don't have to.*
[00:10:33] All we have to do is receive those blessings, accept God's love, and do what we can to grow it in our hearts, in our homes, and our lives.
[00:10:46] *It's not about how you were raised. It's about what beliefs you want to practice now. *
[00:10:56] Check in with your motivation. Are you doing things out of fear? Or out of duty, trying to feel like you're enough? Or do you genuinely love yourself and your loving Father in Heaven and desire to be closer to Him?
[00:11:15] That type of relationship cleans up all the mess gets rid of all the darkness that wants to follow us around and reconnects us to the light that is already there within me and within you.
[00:11:30] That's what I want us to remember. That's what I want us to teach our children. And if you are a parent and you are struggling to have that loving atmosphere in your home, I can promise you that the reason why you are struggling to be loving and kind and nurturing to your children is because you are not being loving and kind and nurturing to yourself. You _have_ to start with_ your_ relationship with God. And then that beautiful parent-child connection that you have with Him will naturally leads you to have more of that with your own children.
[00:12:11] *I believe that God is already completely loves and accepts you. Do you believe it? *
[00:12:18] What can you do today? To practice that belief. You can do it, my friend. Have a blessed day.
[00:12:26] Are you getting my TLC Tuesday emails? They are filled with tips, insights, and invitations to help you add light to your life. Go to www.thelightcoach.com/subscribe and make sure you're included. Because big things are coming and I don't want you to miss them. *Together, we can create confidence, connection, and clarity in life after therapy.*
