47: Breaking Up with Your Goals
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[00:00:00] Hello my friends. Welcome to a new year of Life After Therapy. Did you know that the third Monday of January is said to be the most depressing day of the year? I know that's kind of a depressing place to start today's podcast, but don't worry we're going to turn that around by the end of this episode.
[00:00:24] So first, think about January. January is the month of new beginnings. We all think, "Oh it's a new year. It's exciting! It's a time to start over! " And we get some ambition that first week of January. But culturally we have some downfalls that are going to bring us down as the month goes on.
[00:00:44] First, many of us will create an idea that we're excited about without actually putting it down in writing or having a clear goal around it. We just get excited about something without supporting ourselves for the follow-through. For example we say, "I want to start exercising or be healthier. Yeah I'm going to do that this year. 2023 is the year of healthy me! " And we get all excited and in some motivated energy, but we didn't really define that vision of what "healthy " means to us. We didn't set clear expectations of what we want to do or we write something that's so rigorous that it's not really sustainable.
[00:01:26] So, by the time the third Monday of January rolls around, we feel a little deflated because we're not following through on the big dream we had.
[00:01:36] Have you ever experienced this? How many times have you set a new year's resolution that just kind of fell flat and then you felt bad about it a couple of weeks later? I know that I've done this multiple times.
[00:01:50] But unfortunately, this is the culture around new year's resolutions. It's kind of socially acceptable to just hop on the bandwagon say you're going to do something cool and then not follow through or only half heartedly try.
[00:02:04] It's also really not a great time of year to be setting goals. Think about it... it's colder outside and there's less daylight hours so going out to exercise in the morning or after work Is definitely less appealing.
[00:02:19] Also, we just had the holidays and so anything that we usually indulge in in the holidays is going to be pulling in our brains and In our bodies more intensely than in normal everyday life. So let's take the time of the year where the elements and our own physical bodies have natural obstacles that make it harder for us to get our goals and let's use that as the best time to set new goals and try and push ourselves.
[00:02:47] For me, this time of year isn't necessarily the best time to set huge goals. I like to do that on my birthday or when my kids go back to school in the fall, because that's a time where I'm naturally already feeling that forward movement, that momentum to do something different and I usually have some time to myself (either on the day of my birthday or after my kids go back to school).
[00:03:14] But that's what works for me and the new year might be something that really works for you. There is that positive, new energy, that movement, that starting something new, and there can be a high from the holidays. It might be a positive time for you to set goals. So please find a time that works well for you.
[00:03:34] Whenever that time is, the important thing is that you have a clear vision of why you're setting a goal. One of the most ironic things about that third Monday in January, that they say is the most depressing day of the year, is that that same day is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
[00:03:53] The day where we celebrate a man who had a dream. A dream that the world could be different. He didn't just dream this nice idea that he hoped would happen someday. He took very proactive action to help support that dream. He knew what he was working for and he worked every day, a little bit at a time, to make that dream a reality.
[00:04:20] But he didn't set that goal without really knowing why. And that why was what drove him to act even when it was hard. He didn't say a week or two into his goal, "Oh, this is hard. I'm not sure I really want to do this anymore... " He showed up and made it happen. I want you to think about his relationship with his goals.
[00:04:43] Do this exercise with me for a moment: think about a goal that you've been working on that's been a little bit hard for you.
[00:04:50] If you were to personify that goal, what would it look like? Would it be a partner who's naggy and asking you for your attention all the time? Or would it be someone that you're constantly trying to chase and prove to them that you're enough, only for them to tell you that you need to work harder and move that goalpost, never showing you the love and the support that you really are actually wanting? Or maybe it would be someone that you're kind of trying to avoid, because you've been in a relationship with them too long and you really should have cut it off a long time ago...
[00:05:27] I know that I slip into that last category quite a bit with my goals. I'll set a goal and I'll think about it like, "Oh yeah, I totally want to do this. " And then time passes and then it turns more into a should. Where it's, "I really should do that goal. " Kind of like a creepy stalker following me around all the time, always wanting my attention when I don't have any intention or interest in giving it my attention.
[00:05:52] I had a goal like this recently where in 2021, I fell in love with cycling. I'd get up early in the morning and I'd ride my bike for multiple miles and I'd come home and it feels so refreshed. I just really loved being out and riding my bike.
[00:06:08] After I'd done it multiple times a week for a few months, I felt like I was getting somewhere. I felt like I could actually consider myself a cyclist. And I found out that there was a group of people who would meet at a school near my house and go riding every Thursday night.
[00:06:24] But their average speed was higher than what I typically do, and their length of ride was longer than what I was doing. Well, I found this out in August and so I started practicing to have longer faster rides so I could join them.
[00:06:38] But then it started getting colder and I wasn't wanting to ride my bike as much anymore. But I wasn't quite ready to let go of that goal. I knew I needed some extra motivation. So on my 2021 Christmas card, we wrote down some things about our family, about how our year had been and what our goals were for the next year. And I wrote on my Christmas card in 2021 that I sent out to the world, I wrote that I was going to do a bike race in 2022. That was my goal.
[00:07:10] Now can you see how this goal went from riding my bike, to riding with a group of people, to doing a bike race. "Yeah. That's a great idea. Let's go bigger and grander and if I tell the world about it, then that'll make me do it! " Can I tell you what's happened in 2022?
[00:07:28] I've stopped riding my bike.
[00:07:31] Now this isn't something I'm proud of so let's just clear the air on that. But the point is, *I got swept up in a good idea that I wasn't wasn't actually committed to. My "why " was not because it was something I had always wanted to do or that it was aligned with my vision. *
[00:07:48] If I'm brutally honest. It's because I felt like I should do a bike race. I should be joining these people who are going on these faster rides down the street from me once a week.
[00:07:58] And my reason for telling the world was so I'd be motivated to actually do it because deep down inside, I knew I didn't really _want_ to.
[00:08:06] But me saying that goal, before really checking in with myself has had the opposite effect. Not only have I not participated in a bike race, or gone riding with the group down the street from me— I've stopped writing almost altogether. It's lost it's fun for me.
[00:08:25] And yes, there are other things that have contributed to that. I found Pilates that I now love. And I've had some things happen physically that have taught me the type of exercise that my body needs.
[00:08:35] But I can tell you, I still have had this little voice in my head saying that I have been failing this year because I haven't done a bike race like I told everybody I was going to.
[00:08:46] *So you want to know my favorite thing to do at the beginning of the year? Break up with my goals. I love to do an inventory and say, "Okay. What is it that I keep telling myself I *_*should *_*be doing that actually isn't serving me? "* That's my favorite practice to do at the new year.
[00:09:09] So many people focus on losing weight, or being better at keeping a calendar, or having a better relationship with someone... What if we shifted that just a little bit and lost the weight that we feel about the goals we don't really need to be doing. Or doing better at saying no so our planner isn't so cluttered with all the things that don't really need to be there. Or working on the relationship with ourselves and doing the self care that will help us naturally be in a place where we want to set more goals.
[00:09:47] As you transitioned in 2023, what is your relationship with yourself? Because your relationship with your goals is usually a reflection of your relationship with yourself.
[00:10:01] My goal trying to do the thing that would really push me and get my peers to have pressure on me so that I will do it... what does that teach me about my relationship with myself?
[00:10:13] That sometimes I push harder on myself than I really need to. Or sometimes I want to do something because I want people to think I'm cool. Or sometimes when I try and force myself into something, I lose momentum for the things that I love. Like riding my bike just because I like to ride it.
[00:10:33] *Don't lose sight of what you love because you're so focused on what you think you should be doing. *
[00:10:40] That's my hope for you in 2023. That your relationship with your goals and your relationship with yourself can be nurturing and supportive so that you can live lighter. Releasing the weight of all the things that are following you around and have clarity to illuminate a path forward that not only feels exciting and motivating, but it's also sustainable and natural for you.
[00:11:11] That life it's totally doable. And it's not just something that you do at the beginning of the year. It's something that you create along the way.
[00:11:24] *So here's my invitation for you today, my friend: pick a goal that you want to break up with.*
[00:11:31] Clean up the clutter from the things that follow you around that you're not really invested in. Then, if setting new year's resolutions is supportive for you, only commit to the ones you really want to be in a relationship with.
[00:11:47] Learn from my mistake and don't pick a stalker goal that's going to follow you around all year until you finally let it go.
[00:11:56] Pick goals that support your vision and then get clear about what that looks like for you so that you can have better follow-through. When you do, you'll have more clarity and space for the goals and the relationships that actually matter in in your life.
[00:12:16] I want you to have a clear focus so that you can move forward and be excited about 2023. I created a quiz to help you know the most important relationship for you to focus on in your life right now. The link is in the show notes so go check that out.
[00:12:34] Building a purposeful relationship with yourself and with your goals Is so empowering. I've experienced it in my life and I have seen it in the lives of my clients who are creating a life after therapy that they love to live.
[00:12:51] Let's Make 2023 a year that you love to live. I believe in you my friend. Happy new year!
[00:13:01] Are you getting my TLC Tuesday emails? They are filled with tips, insights, and invitations to help you add light to your life. Go to www.thelightcoach.com/subscribe and make sure you're included. Because big things are coming and I don't want you to miss them. Together, we can create confidence and clarity in life after therapy.
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